The Three ‘People’ in Couples Therapy
The Three ‘People’ in Couples Therapy
Couples therapy is indescribably delicious and complex. It’s a multi-faceted system which, when working with a couple, I’m honored to enter. I think of a couple as having three parts: 1. Person A. 2. Person B. 3. Where Person A and Person B intersect = the union of two sets: the relationship they’v built over time. Or we can conceptualize it like this: 1 person + 1 person + 1 set of relationship dynamics = 3. A Venn diagram illustrates this:
Below are nine features all couples share:
- The vertical development of each person (from childhood on up).
- The vertical development of the couple (through history).
- How does each person view their own personal individual history (subjective view)?
- How does each person view their partner through their time together?
- How does each person interact with their partner in the present?
- How has each person interacted with their partner in the past (historical)
- How does each person see the couples’ time together through their shared history.
- What causal attribution(s) does each client make about their current issue(s)?
- What responsibility does each person assume for resolving the issue(s)?
The above is the simplest, most minimal scenario! It is often much more complex, e.g. I have not included the temporal aspect of couples’ dynamics. Both people often have a storehouse of memories which they each bring to the present, which further informs their feelings, thoughts, actions … not only about their partner, and also about themselves in relation to their partner … but also about themselves as separate people, e.g. the person they were before the relationship. The delta between all of these facets adds further complexity and layers. As you see, dissecting and analyzing all the strains lends itself to parallel (rather sequential) processing, which I love. Couples operations are multi-threaded and multi-layered, on multiple axes.
When I start working with a couple, I marvel at how rich their world is. All intimate relationships, with so many overlapping forces in motion, are a feat. Even when couples are struggling and in pain, their system usually has enough glue to come in for help. This is the triumph, that they want to be better and function as one. Even when a couple comes in already having decided to separate or divorce, their act of seeking therapy to do it amicably, e.g. for the children, is a healthy aim. We celebrate the wins, no matter micro, and definitely cheer for the macro gains.