Being a Parent … but NOT “Parenting!”
Being a Parent … but NOT “Parenting!”
We use the words “parenting” or to “parent” as a verb.” But these was not in the dictionary till the late 1950’s! Before this, we used “parent” as a noun. “Parenting” is an invention. It’s a new linguistic emergence, we didn’t use it conversation until the 1970’s. It blows my mind. What we now take for granted, so woven into modern culture, but only in the last several decades, “parent” turned from a biological mother/father into an “ing,” a movement, an idea. What happened? Alison Gopnik, in her brilliant work, The Gardener and The Carpenter, makes the case that being a parent changed dramatically in the past sixty years.
The historical evolution of raising a human is fascinating. With the 20th century, families got smaller, more nuclear, less extended, and more mobile, less reliant on larger networks to care for their young. As more women entered the workforce, they were having babies at a later age. Because we’re creatures that project, we equate what helped us be successful with what will help our child be “successful.” We equate this with academic achievement, extracurriculars up the kazoo, sports excellence, dance and music and … I see all the time clients who want to accord their children every opportunity they never got. They want the best for them.
“Best” comes at a cost. We live in a hyper-competitive world. Parents give grueling interviews, essay applications, sit through lectures, pay a lot of money … all just to get their child into first grade! It’s no longer good enough to simply enroll your child in the school of your zip code. Parents studied hard, excelled, scored highest in standardized exams, and many of my clients got visas to come to the U.S. solely because they graduated at the top 1% of their class. It’s understandable that they think, “I’ve come far by studying and working hard—this is the secret sauce and solution to life. I must emphasize this to my child, must enroll them not only in the best school, with afterschool tutoring, more studying, extra credit homework and extracurriculars because it’s never too early to start prepping for the best universities.”
Yes, parents put a lot of pressure on their kids, but also a ton on themselves. They see being a parent not as a way of ‘Being’ in relation to their child, but as a way of ‘Doing,’ hence the ‘parenting.’ It’s a corralling, shaping-like-clay type of hovering rearing. It’s acting upon. We have this notion that if we structure and control our kids’ activities, they will turn out a certain way. It’s an illusion. Just because we want so badly for them to do and be a certain way, won’t make it happen.
In her book “The Philosophical Baby: What Children’s Minds Tell Us about Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life,” Gopnik emphasizes how crucial it is to encourage children to explore. To support open-ended, curious, messy, mistake-addled play. The optimal way for a child to learn is to set up an environment that encourages experimenting, not achieving a goal. The British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, D.W. Winnicott, in his seminal book, Playing and Reality, describes the import of giving free reign to children, to play as a means for developing one’s sense of self. In order to learn and test out hypotheses, children operate on their environment—the scientific method. In the words of Swiss developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget, “play is the work of children.”
In our capitalist society, we’ve spawned a multi-billion dollar industry to support the need we’ve created, the need to turn out children in the image we deem ‘desirable,’ be it “smart,” “wealthy,” “artistic,” “beautiful,” … our cravings and projections endless. Product placement, advertisements, teachings, parent apps … it’s exhausting. Don’t get me wrong: it’s also noble and beautiful: we want good things for the next generation and those we love to be happier. The way to do this is counterintuitive. We don’t have to try so hard. We can give ourselves permission to let go a bit, loosen the reins, soften our grip. To simply allow children to explore and figure out who they are, what they want, what they can do, to discover and soar on their own terms.